Essay: Woman in her 30s
14 things I'd tell my 20 year old self
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In the last decade of my life, I’ve been an office manager, a high school english teacher, a copy director, a quitter, a nomad, an author, and a teacher. I’ve fallen in love twice, climbed my first mountain, written my first book, trekked through Tanzania, and gotten lost in Colombia. I’ve burned down my life and restarted it. As I head into the last year of my thirties, here’s a couple things I’ve learned a long the way.
What my thirties taught me:
You’re not as fragile as you were in your twenties. You find your muscle. Your tongue. Your hunger. In your thirties, you learn what it means to really ramshackle.
Most people are not good or bad in your life. They just need to be rightsized. My friend,
says, there are sidewalk friends, front porch friends, and dining room table friends. You often don’t have to end a relationship, you just have to rightsize it.Eat mushrooms, regular and psychedelic. Ask that plant medicine to reacquaint you with the divine. Go to the heart of love and meet your god. Call him/her/them by whatever name is true.
You can’t rationalize your way into self love. It can only be learned in the body— from breath work, dancing, reiki, meditation, movement, eating what nourishes you. Forget your brain and, instead, trust that body knowledge.
Wanting commitment around intimacy doesn’t make you a bad feminist just like wanting sex doesn’t make you a slut.
When you love your life, you don’t have to worry so much about de-centering men. Suddenly, you just cherish your life enough not to waste it on the wrong one.
Find your spirit guides. My mother calls hers Father, son, and Holy Ghost. My holy trinity? A combination of my grandmother, Mary Oliver, and Joni Mitchell. Find yours and thank them daily for their good guidance.
Learn to listen to other people’s experiences with your full attention— the way dogs press their whole face into the wind.
Don’t beg. No one can be lectured into loving you.
Scare yourself a little bit now and again. This is the secret to feeling alive. This is also what makes you a little less afraid of dying.
Don’t suffer fools. This includes yourself. Sometimes you’ve been a fool and you’re making yourself needlessly suffer.
Your greatest loves in life probably won’t be men. This is a deeply underrated gift.
Other people’s jealousy is none of your business. Never apologize for being excellent.
Don’t just trust your intuition. Hone it like a combat knife.
I’d love to hear yours.
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