ALL OF THIS. I've tried to articulate all of this to my partner because, despite his many virtues, he's been taught by society that it's ok to correct and ignore and talk down to me, but all in very subtle ways he doesn't even realize. It's exhausting trying to advocate for myself constantly, so I find myself saying nothing at all. This piece broke my heart.
Yes to all this. I just got out of a 31 1/2-year marriage to a narcissist. It was hell, especially, the last 5-7 years of those. I knew what was going on, but I didn't know it was a "thing." I stayed because I couldn't figure it out, and I was too kind. Anyways, that's not the point. My point is that my therapist was telling me about a therapist friend of hers who actually had a narcissist show up for sessions (rare), and he KNEW he was a narcissist (even more rare!). He asked, "Do you want to know how I find my 'new supply'?" She said yes. He said, "I walk into a grocery store, bump into several women I'm interested in, and the first one who says 'sorry' to me is the one." Ugh. I've stopped saying "sorry," that's for sure. And I've learned kindness has boundaries. So, here's to getting "terrifying and true!" Thanks, Joy!
Whoa. Turned my stomach with that anecdote about the grocery store.
Congratulations on extricating yourself from that very long relationship. I'm sure it took so much effort and pain and struggle to free yourself. Sending love.
“To wear anger like a serpent draped around your throat and love like a dagger on your hip. To tell the truth of your experience, completely and imperfectly. In all your mighty rage. To know you will be punished and loved and witnessed and whole. “
Yes... all of this. And managing this while two young girls wait in the wings, watching, learning. Some days I couldn’t care less if a single person in the universe read my writing. Truly. If I can put my ache and determination into sentences so both daughters know how to be a spectacle of rage and confidence, then that’s the only readership I need.
Thank you for your vulnerability. Post like these often make me interrogate how I show up for my wife and how I plan to support my son. I know no matter what, there will always be work for me to do and unlearn.
Although your last paragraph wasn’t your central focus it resonated the most with me as a writer. It was a call for me to be more genuine to write what’s in my heart as a writer. Thank you, again.
Men telling me I’m not assertive enough, when I choose kindness over brute force to get what I need…
Men helping me write an email to another man in a professional setting, only to have the recipient accuse my email (written by men) to be aggressive, emotional and incompetent.
Men telling me to spend my entire life savings because they will take care of me, and then them leaving a month later. (Don’t worry, I kept my damn money.)
Men telling me I want children, I just don’t know myself well enough to realize I do.
Men telling me I’m very difficult for wanting my partner to clean up after himself.
Men.
If I didn’t love them so much, I wouldn’t allow them past arms length.
I feel like we live in a bully society. I’ve noticed it’s not just men, it’s women too. We look for every opportunity to cut someone down and because social media and the internet are so readily available, the criticism has run rampant. It’s really sad to watch. I think we are all such insecure beings (mostly those who have not done their inner work) that criticizing and correcting and even bullying others has become the norm. This is one of the best posts I’ve read in a long time!!! Thank you for calling out this toxic behavior!!
I have to agree. I grew up in a household of "fault finders" and have to work very hard not to keep doing this in my adult life. Just recently I started a job and started silently criticism my new coworkers mid work day. The next day while on my yoga mat I realized what I'd been doing and told myself to quit it. I don't know these people or what they are going through! And it's a blessing to have coworkers at all, after remote work.
Was just browsing Joy's archives and came across your post.
i love the bit about hot being the hero. i mean, i’ve certainly been a villain in other peoples stories, but recently i’m coming to terms with the fact that maybe i’m the villain in my own story, too. or at least, like you said, not the hero.
I don't like this but I think if you're really putting yourself out there and making beautiful things, people will have something awful to say because it HITS. Most normal people follow and encourage you because it moves them; however those who carry the heaviness want to throw it up all over you.
In a way I feel I haven't been making meaningful art because I haven't been criticized (or praised). I know that's silly, and that I write for myself, but I still crave some kind of feedback.
Anyway, I agree, the worst part is that the worst feedback is reserved for women. Maybe it feels easier for people to use women as punching bags, and that's societally messed up.
ALL OF THIS. I've tried to articulate all of this to my partner because, despite his many virtues, he's been taught by society that it's ok to correct and ignore and talk down to me, but all in very subtle ways he doesn't even realize. It's exhausting trying to advocate for myself constantly, so I find myself saying nothing at all. This piece broke my heart.
Yes to all this. I just got out of a 31 1/2-year marriage to a narcissist. It was hell, especially, the last 5-7 years of those. I knew what was going on, but I didn't know it was a "thing." I stayed because I couldn't figure it out, and I was too kind. Anyways, that's not the point. My point is that my therapist was telling me about a therapist friend of hers who actually had a narcissist show up for sessions (rare), and he KNEW he was a narcissist (even more rare!). He asked, "Do you want to know how I find my 'new supply'?" She said yes. He said, "I walk into a grocery store, bump into several women I'm interested in, and the first one who says 'sorry' to me is the one." Ugh. I've stopped saying "sorry," that's for sure. And I've learned kindness has boundaries. So, here's to getting "terrifying and true!" Thanks, Joy!
Whoa. Turned my stomach with that anecdote about the grocery store.
Congratulations on extricating yourself from that very long relationship. I'm sure it took so much effort and pain and struggle to free yourself. Sending love.
Thank you, Diana! Yes, that remark did the same thing to me, too!
Congrats on being free :)
Thank you, Brenna! That’s exactly how I feel! 🤗
“To wear anger like a serpent draped around your throat and love like a dagger on your hip. To tell the truth of your experience, completely and imperfectly. In all your mighty rage. To know you will be punished and loved and witnessed and whole. “
JOY EFFING SULLIVAN. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes... all of this. And managing this while two young girls wait in the wings, watching, learning. Some days I couldn’t care less if a single person in the universe read my writing. Truly. If I can put my ache and determination into sentences so both daughters know how to be a spectacle of rage and confidence, then that’s the only readership I need.
Oh, Joy. Such a heart wrenching beautiful piece. Love so so much!!
Thank you for your vulnerability. Post like these often make me interrogate how I show up for my wife and how I plan to support my son. I know no matter what, there will always be work for me to do and unlearn.
Although your last paragraph wasn’t your central focus it resonated the most with me as a writer. It was a call for me to be more genuine to write what’s in my heart as a writer. Thank you, again.
Men telling me I’m not assertive enough, when I choose kindness over brute force to get what I need…
Men helping me write an email to another man in a professional setting, only to have the recipient accuse my email (written by men) to be aggressive, emotional and incompetent.
Men telling me to spend my entire life savings because they will take care of me, and then them leaving a month later. (Don’t worry, I kept my damn money.)
Men telling me I want children, I just don’t know myself well enough to realize I do.
Men telling me I’m very difficult for wanting my partner to clean up after himself.
Men.
If I didn’t love them so much, I wouldn’t allow them past arms length.
❤️🔥❤️🔥
So much terror and responsibility wrapped up in the longing for our true creative lives. Thank you for sharing this beauty and heartbreak. 🙏
I needed to hear this today. Just had a mild social anxiety induced panic attack in my kitchen and this is what I needed. Thank you.
I feel like we live in a bully society. I’ve noticed it’s not just men, it’s women too. We look for every opportunity to cut someone down and because social media and the internet are so readily available, the criticism has run rampant. It’s really sad to watch. I think we are all such insecure beings (mostly those who have not done their inner work) that criticizing and correcting and even bullying others has become the norm. This is one of the best posts I’ve read in a long time!!! Thank you for calling out this toxic behavior!!
I have to agree. I grew up in a household of "fault finders" and have to work very hard not to keep doing this in my adult life. Just recently I started a job and started silently criticism my new coworkers mid work day. The next day while on my yoga mat I realized what I'd been doing and told myself to quit it. I don't know these people or what they are going through! And it's a blessing to have coworkers at all, after remote work.
Was just browsing Joy's archives and came across your post.
i love the bit about hot being the hero. i mean, i’ve certainly been a villain in other peoples stories, but recently i’m coming to terms with the fact that maybe i’m the villain in my own story, too. or at least, like you said, not the hero.
I’d rather be punished, loved, witnessed, and whole than silent. Thank you for this reminder, Joy.
Thank you for putting words to this experience!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I don't like this but I think if you're really putting yourself out there and making beautiful things, people will have something awful to say because it HITS. Most normal people follow and encourage you because it moves them; however those who carry the heaviness want to throw it up all over you.
In a way I feel I haven't been making meaningful art because I haven't been criticized (or praised). I know that's silly, and that I write for myself, but I still crave some kind of feedback.
Anyway, I agree, the worst part is that the worst feedback is reserved for women. Maybe it feels easier for people to use women as punching bags, and that's societally messed up.
Word.