The top 6 worst phrases in the human language

Live, laugh, die

Welcome to a cranky, one-off newsletter in which I tell you all the words I hate most and why you should hate them too.

Recently, a man texted me before a second date: Excited to see you tonight. Have a great day. Enjoy the little moments. 

I then spent the entire day wondering if I could sleep with a man who wrote Enjoy the little moments unironically. All day, I considered the terror of falling for someone who might turn to me at literally any given second and earnestly whisper: This is a little moment. Enjoy!

I spend a lot of time being annoyed by language. This is a symptom of loving gorgeous words very much, I suppose. You become irritated when they’re not quite right. It irks the brain—like a too-long hem or under-seasoned truffle fries. 

Tolkien famously wrote that cellar door was the most beautiful phrase in the English language. Sometimes, I imagine Tolkien whispering cellar door to me in bed to see if it turns me on. Turns out, it doesn’t. 

Beyond annoyance, I actually feel a kind of mortification on language’s behalf when it’s used stupidly. It’s the same kind of second-hand embarrassment I get from any kind of baby talk, the renaissance fair, and amateur improv comedy. A small internalized pang when earnestness misses the mark. 

I’ve compiled a list of the most horrifying phrases I’ve ever heard so you too can be deeply traumatized. In no particular order, here are my top six: 

1. First the obvious ones: hubbies, THE husband, hubster, wifey, kiddos, mancubs, littles, furbabies, (sweet Jesus, these hurt to even type). To my horror, I recently became aware of the term “joyfriend” instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. While I appreciate this gender neutral option, I’m down on my knees, please just say partner. 

   Adjacent: Influencers who call their followers any of the following: angels, lovers, lovelies, babes, beautiful people. Stop that. Hello enemies is the only way I wish to be addressed when I open your IG story from now on. 

2. I dislike when people use ass irreverently. You may refer to your own ass and you may even call someone else one. But this whole trend where we add ass to non-ass related phrases really stresses me out. See cool-ass album, big-ass truck, whole-ass meal. A well-placed ass in a sentence can be a wonderful, deliciously vulgar thing. Stop mucking it about with your weird-ass combos. Related: I was up at the butt-crack of dawn. Honestly, how dare you. 

3. Inappropriately abbreviated food words are also out: ie. sush (or its equally disturbing alternative soosh), veg, avo, etc. Listen, if you wouldn’t call a bagel a baggie, you have no business calling a sandwich a sammie. The only exception is perhaps if somehow calling pudding, pud, becomes in vogue. That could really be something.

4. Next up is: Own your voice. I hate that I used to write this phrase as a headline in my copywriting days. What does this phrase even mean? Who stole your voice from you? Is this an Ursula/Ariel situation? Your voice, like your face, already belongs to you. It’s yours. For the love of god, please hold on to it. 

5. Referring to oneself as any kind of nerd is now illegal. 9 times out of 10, the person saying this is not actually a nerd, so stop nerd-shaming us true, actually socially awkward folks. The word nerd is also generally used as a precursor before saying something smart. For example: Forgive me for nerding out, but did you know an octopus has three whole hearts? Your faux modesty is fooling no one. Take a chance—use a big word, quote a statistic, or offer helpful research. We won’t hold it against you.

6. And finally, from my days in the corporate world: My calendar is up to date. This is, perhaps, the single most passive aggressive way to say: Schedule the meeting yourself, you absolute dimwit. It’s so unbelievably mean, I can’t believe people actually use it in 2024, and it’s not yet considered a hate crime. 

And now for a few of the most gorgeous sentences I’ve read of late. A palette cleanser, if you will: 

I am deliberate and afraid of nothing. —Audre Lorde

In our village, folks say God crumbles up the old moon into stars.—Alexander Solzhenitsyn

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart; I am, I am, I am. —Sylvia Plath

Each time someone dies, a library burns.—Jandy Nelson

A page, turning, is a wing lifted with no twin, and therefore no flight. And yet we are moved. —Ocean Vuong

Every woman begins as weather, slips slow thunder, knows her hips. —Patricia Smith 

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Thanks so much for reading! This essay is an occasional, free, (and sassy) post, but please consider becoming a paid subscriber to receive all my monthly essays, paid subscriber chats, and writing assignments.

In the comments, please tell me which phrases you hate the most and why. This is your big opportunity to really rail against the English language and all of its colloquial unpleasantries. See you in the comments. ❤️

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BIG NEWS

Last chance to join my writing community, Sustenance, this year!

Every quarter, I open enrollment to everyone on the waitlist for Sustenance. If you’re on the list, you’ll receive an email with the registration link on August 26, 2024 at 2pm PT. Only the first 25 people to sign up will be able to join us this quarter. We have over 200 people on the waitlist so please make sure you sign up as soon as the email goes out. Set an alarm so you don’t miss it!

After this, the next open enrollment period for Sustenance will be in January 2025. Membership rates will also be increasing after this current period so this is the last chance to be join and become a legacy member at the current price.

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Only 20 outside seats left for this workshop, so grab them quick. I personally attended this workshop with Jeannine and it was the best class I’ve taken in years.