As always, your work strikes my heart in the best ways. I never thought I would marry. I know I don't want kids - always knew, and the models for being the wife in a marriage weren't appealing to me. And I knew I needed my own space and place. I dated some, but not a lot in my 20s and 30s, and then at 36, I met the man I married. But that's not the point of my comment, lol. My point is that we don't live together. We have separate homes about a mile apart from each other. We do not mix money. We do not buy things together. He has two wonderful adult children (He's 59 and I'm 56). We both needed our own physical space and autonomy. We have sort of a schedule for hanging out, but not really. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week. We text every day. Sometimes we vacation together and sometimes we pet sit for the other while one person goes solo. We only got legally married a year ago because we recognize we're aging and felt it would be simpler when someone gets sick. Everyone asked if we were going to finally live together. No. Not even up for discussion. I built my life my way, and so did he, and I only wanted someone who could respect that and we could be part of each other's lives, but not absorbed into each other's lives. If I'd have met him when I was younger, I doubt it would have worked. Maybe it won't, but it has for nearly 20 years. I just wanted to comment to offer that cohabitation (which is in my view how the unequal distribution of domestic labor crops up the quickest) isn't a requirement. Good communication and clear boundaries and a good faith effort to hold each other up as best we can has been the things that are non-negotiable. I know this arrangement isn't for everyone, or possible even. I know many people thrive on living with others. I don't. If we'd have met when we were younger, we wouldn't have each already bought property. But we were both already established in our careers and in our lives when we met. All this to say - you can make a relationship any way you like, so long as all parties understand what's happening. There are no laws about what a committed relationship must look like. Be you - and dance with and how you like with whom you like. I adored your book, btw. I took it to the beach the week it came out and my husband went over to my place to feed my cats. On Saturday he's leaving for a trip to Sacramento, and I'll be going to watch his cats. Anything -- anything -- is possible.
What I love so much about your story as well as Joy’s essay is how it shows that there are other ways to define successful relationships. We have been sold a narrative that one single way of engaging in romantic relationships is right—long term partnership/marriage with cohabitation. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I know lots of people who are miserable in these kinds of relationships. Your relationship sounds healthy and lovely. Even though hers ended, the relationship with her ex that grew her a new heart is also a wild success story. A relationship doesn’t have to be forever for it to be a success story.
I loved reading this, and wanted to add a little story about my mum’s cousin Eileen (she was 15 years older than my mum and sort of like a great wise aunt to me). She’d been married young and had a kid but the marriage didn’t work out (he was apparently awful). She became a successful businesswoman, bought her house and turned it into her own personal palace, and then she met the love of her life. The two of them lived in their own houses on the same road, never cohabited but remained happily together until he suddenly died when I was 10. I obviously don’t know much about their relationship but pretty sure it was a happy one and I love that I’ve always had this as a model of a different kind of successful relationship.
I'm so glad you shared this story! I got married when I was 30 but the traditional structure of monogamy didn't work for me and a few years ago, after having a child!, I gently approached the concept of polyamory with my husband. I feel more liberated in this nontraditional dynamic than I ever thought was possible. I appreciate your story because it shows that we can throw out the playbook and carve new paths, if we meet someone we care deeply about, who reciprocates our feelings — the right people will work collaboratively with you to design a relationship dynamic that lets everyone get their needs met. Polyamory isn't for everyone, and I believe monogamy can be so beautiful, but it has shown me new ways to love & be loved, new ways of forming deep connections. And it has put me in touch with parts of myself that I would have never explored otherwise.
I love this story! The myth that there's one way is the problem. There are as many ways as there are people. Relationships - relating - is deeply personal and I think evolving. One of my good friends also entered into polyamory in her marriage. Thank you!
Love this set up Laraine! My husband lives in a different country and honestly....shhhh....don't say this too loud or I'll get looks...but I LOVE it. Sure, I do all the child rearing and domestic stuff and I'm exhausted but life is actually so much easier. What does that say about 'normal' marriage? You're very right Joy to observe what happens to women when they enter into marriage. You've built a dream life and often, too often, it's the woman who has to dismantle it for her man. But the world is full of ways to love on your terms. Thanks for writing this.
I love this!! And I get it, lol. At a class I was teaching a while back I shared that my husband and I lived separately (& happily) and that ended up being the most important thing in my talk, apparently. Women just kept asking questions about it. So (I'm a teacher) I bring it up all the time when it's appropriate because I want folks to hear from someone they're in contact with that they can write their own story.
Yes! This! We are SO free to build relationships that feel satisfying to us. I love that you and your husband have built something that feels loving, secure, and respectful of each of your needs.
I loved reading this Laraine and it's so comforting for me as well as a 32 year old woman who has never had any desire to cohabitate from a partner and has felt like there's something "wrong" with me for feeling that way. Thank you so much for sharing this, your life sounds absolutely beautiful!
My partner and I have been together for 12 years. For the last two, my teen daughter (previous marriage) and I have been living in our airbnb apartment while he stays at our little house. We just sort of drifted into the arrangement as a way to have more space during 'the teenage years' and it's been the absolute best thing we've ever done. We still see eachother pretty much daily, but having our own spaces where we can be ourselves has been life-changing. We also split our finances and have an account where we contribute to shared expenses (car payments, daughter's care etc ). So now if he makes some impulsive purchase, it's like, who tf cares! Where before it would have been a big deal. When we originally came up with this arrangement, I felt a lot of weird societal pressure. Like somehow it meant our relationship was failing and spent a lot of time explaining and making excuses for the situation. We also talked like I would love back in with him once our daughter moved out and we'd turn the space back into an airbnb. We'll, she's in her final year of highschool and I can now say, I have no intention of that happening! Anyway, it's just so nice to hear someone living in a similar situation. ❤️❤️❤️
My dear mother-in-law often said that marriage hasn’t traditionally been a great deal for women. And boy is she right! She really raised my husband to be a wonderful man and partner, and for that I am grateful. We love each other but very much have our own interests and lives, and while I still feel like a ‘wife’ at times, all I have to do is speak up and he’s there to help. I have no smart advice except that I think there are good men, good people, out there. I think good hearts find each other. I’m sending you so much love and patience for your dating life.
All I can tell you is that a couple of years before I hit your age, I had the realization that I’d been dating, mostly unfulfillingly and unsuccessfully, for 20 years. All of my friends were coupled up, most raising families (there was a span of about 5 years where it felt like a baby shower or bridal shower was happening quarterly). I felt very much odd person out of almost every commonality we used to share.
As one cannot work harder or conjure up a partner out of nothing, I absolutely decided to stop. Stop dating. Stop chasing after something that always made me feel worse.
While there was a lot of sadness in it, there was also some peace. I imagined what an unpartnered life would look and feel like. I traveled on my own and with women led groups. I got more comfortable with the idea of a life of just me.
I did eventually return to dating a bit (lost a bet, actually). It wasn’t that different, but I did find I cared about the outcome less, so less soul-crushing. I ended up drifting into a relationship that works. It looks nothing as I’d imagined. But I haven’t had to change myself to be in it. And I hope that he feels the same.
On the train home, I wrote to my love… then I read your poem to hope…
There’s one thing that stuck with me and is somthing I try to hold as I go about my day.
I believe everyone is trying their best. I truly believe that. Even the people who do horrible things, in that moment they believe they are doing the right thing, the thing they need. In the mundane days, the happy days, the absent days, people are doing the best they know how to do. I did my best throughout the lowest parts, I know I did. I see that my best in those times could never be enough for my marriage. I know that is true. I know you are doing your best, I know the prime minister is, I know this train driver is. I feel that when I hold this perspective, I am kinder with the world. It doesn’t mean I have to put up with shitty behaviour or to tolerate abuse, but it does mean that I know that if someone’s best is not right for me, I don’t have to put up with it.
… it might sound harsh but I don’t mean it to be, what I mean is, you deserve to find what you need. You don’t need a professional juggler right now… I found I needed me. Men who feel worthless cannot be given worth, we need to arrive into it (I hope that makes sense)
I agree with this 100%. I also remember hearing a story from someone who learned a big AND... He had long held that is parents had done the absolute best they could with what they had... AND they had done a rotten fucking job. I think of this sometimes around my prior behaviour in relationship. And for someone in the future, I will be their stable relatively well adjusted and emotionally engaged man. And some of my exes will still consider me a waste of time on a carnival ride.
You're voicing my experience so exactly I don't know whether to be encouraged or disheartened. "It’s painful to have to thread the needle between my intense frustration with men, my desire to partner, and my deep compassion for the clear crisis men are obviously experiencing." Part of me was hoping you might offer some solution at the end, a love success story or some profound advice, but your endnote of cautious hope felt exactly right.
I think about these things a lot. My examples of marriage were similar to yours, and I followed in their footsteps by getting married at 19 and doing my part to make things work (for 21 years!). I left because I wanted to belong to myself and I wanted to be in love. As Glennon Doyle says in Untamed, I wanted to be "held and free." I believe we're going through a massive shift in defining what partnership even is, and it's requiring us all to rise and expand into our fullest selves along the way. I love your reflection: "Every time I left a man I couldn’t marry, I evolved in the most glorious, unexpected way." Yes! Keep evolving! Keep becoming more and more glorious! Keep sending out that Love boomerang you write about; I'm cheering you on <3
As ever you hit the nail on the head. I don’t do monogamy. I date a bunch of guys. Between them, usually, they add up to 3/4s of a decent boyfriend. It’s a start.
Beautifully written. I don’t know much but here’s what I do know. And I personally think this applies to all the things: love and dating but also exploration, curiosity, new endeavors. Just everything. *Always have hope.* Even if the outcome you’re searching for doesn’t come by the time you take your last breath, to live a hopeful life is to live fully, to live honoring yourself. To surrender to hopelessness, that human experience is a painful one. Instead, surrender, but surrender to hope. Hope is just about the only thing that drives good things in this world.
Yes! I don’t ever want to be at a point in my life where I lose all hope. When I was still dating, as awful as some dates were, I tried to learn from them and move forward.
I'm glad you mentioned the discouraged bit. I have been on more than 100 first dates in the past two years, but have the privilege on the male side of the straight dating of never feeling in danger and generally women are better conversationalists than men (always ask questions, never outright rude). Similar to the hope for love keeping me going, I have also made a few wonderful friends which has taught me a different kind of love and openness to relationships. I would have really struggled or given up without them.
I think it’s easy to speak in generalities. As in, we’ve all dated some asshole men, so all men are assholes. However, I have some really great men in my life (brothers, friends, a partner) who are kind, supportive, respectful, and who consistently show they care (sometimes in big ways, but mostly in subtle and quiet ways like listening when I’m feeling down, buying me poetry books because they know I love them, cleaning my bathroom, without me asking, after a roommate moved out and left it a mess).
There are for sure asshole people out there. But maybe we have been fed the romance of distant, cool, unavailable men so many times that the highs and lows of an avoidant relationship feel like a love story! At least, that’s how it was for me.
It took a heart shattering break up for me to finally stop looking for love where I was never going to find it. Instead, I started giving men with kind eyes a chance. Now I’m three years into an ordinary and mundane love and it’s the happiest my tired heart has ever been.
Especially this paragraph: “What makes marriage unattractive is that I don’t see many models of happy ones. Depressingly, I don’t often witness men truly improving women’s lives. I’m constantly filled with fear that loving a man might cost me the life I’ve built. Basically, I’m scared I’ll disappear.”
I often say that no man has made my life easier. They’ve been something I’ve had to survive. Having not grown up with an example of healthy love and having disappeared in a toxic relationship, the fear is real.
There’s an expression in French: mieux vaut être seule que mal accompagnée. It translates loosely to better to be alone than in poor company.
I too believe in love. Love that feels safe, that expands me, holds me, and lets me be free. I will not compromise for that love, nor will I allow it to consume me or drag me down again.
I’m a fan of unconventional love, and of separate homes. Where each has their own life and they intersect. I don’t think I’ll ever live with a man again and I’m okay with that. Though I do my best to keep an open mind and have hope.
I love that we are in community together Natalie, thanks for pointing me here as well. I hear a lot of men who are doing work write about how the "good men" pay the price of bad behavior of other men, as so many women live with the trauma of our societal disfunction. When I sit with it, I don't think there are really any "good guys." I think we are all messy in some ways, and it's sometimes gross, and it always hurts, and I'm SO sorry for the ways in which you have experienced harm at the hands of men. I love you my friend, and I'm here for your poems and your pain. I don't have answers here, just an ear and some arms and my own pen.
“What will be left of my heart?” is a question I don’t think I ask myself enough. 😔
All thoughts echoed, affirmed, and heard. Very much me too. The loneliness is BIG and there’s a lot of grief in what I thought my life would be based on the examples I saw growing up.
With you in this! Please keep sharing and writing about this.
Joy, this hits really hard on what it feels like to be single, mid-30s, and shyly (almost shamefully) romantic and hopeful but so wary about love. I don’t know if it’s coincidence but the author of the newsletter Girls just published a piece today about not giving up on love and it echoes your heart here. Makes me feel less lonely in the world. Thank you. 💕
Interesting and heartfelt read. Thank you for this. One question: What do you mean in the final paragraph when you say you are hoping for someone who will "be my daddy"?
My husband and I just celebrated our 27th anniversary. In our early marriage, I did spend a lot of time as the primary caretaker and he spent a lot of time working and establishing himself in his career. Pretty traditional. We have had times in our marriage that were really hard, but right now the best thing in my life is our relationship. It’s hard work, and both people have to be equally committed to doing the hard work. I have seen my daughters’s marriage fall apart because he was a narcissist and tricked her into sacrificing everything, so I have seen some of the challenges out there. I have also seen peeks into marriages that look amazing on the outside, but have huge problems in reality. But not all men are assholes. My husband is my biggest supporter. I’m an artist (painting) and he’s always there at every art show, helping me set up and take down, and company when things are slow. He’s in therapy (finally) and when he’s bemoaning his problems his therapist reminds him his marriage is uncommonly good and we can’t always be blessed in everything. I don’t say this to flex on you, but just to add my 2 cents that it really is out there. I hope you find someone who complements your weird the way my husband complements mine. Much love. 💕
As always, your work strikes my heart in the best ways. I never thought I would marry. I know I don't want kids - always knew, and the models for being the wife in a marriage weren't appealing to me. And I knew I needed my own space and place. I dated some, but not a lot in my 20s and 30s, and then at 36, I met the man I married. But that's not the point of my comment, lol. My point is that we don't live together. We have separate homes about a mile apart from each other. We do not mix money. We do not buy things together. He has two wonderful adult children (He's 59 and I'm 56). We both needed our own physical space and autonomy. We have sort of a schedule for hanging out, but not really. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week. We text every day. Sometimes we vacation together and sometimes we pet sit for the other while one person goes solo. We only got legally married a year ago because we recognize we're aging and felt it would be simpler when someone gets sick. Everyone asked if we were going to finally live together. No. Not even up for discussion. I built my life my way, and so did he, and I only wanted someone who could respect that and we could be part of each other's lives, but not absorbed into each other's lives. If I'd have met him when I was younger, I doubt it would have worked. Maybe it won't, but it has for nearly 20 years. I just wanted to comment to offer that cohabitation (which is in my view how the unequal distribution of domestic labor crops up the quickest) isn't a requirement. Good communication and clear boundaries and a good faith effort to hold each other up as best we can has been the things that are non-negotiable. I know this arrangement isn't for everyone, or possible even. I know many people thrive on living with others. I don't. If we'd have met when we were younger, we wouldn't have each already bought property. But we were both already established in our careers and in our lives when we met. All this to say - you can make a relationship any way you like, so long as all parties understand what's happening. There are no laws about what a committed relationship must look like. Be you - and dance with and how you like with whom you like. I adored your book, btw. I took it to the beach the week it came out and my husband went over to my place to feed my cats. On Saturday he's leaving for a trip to Sacramento, and I'll be going to watch his cats. Anything -- anything -- is possible.
This is deeply comforting to me. xxx
What I love so much about your story as well as Joy’s essay is how it shows that there are other ways to define successful relationships. We have been sold a narrative that one single way of engaging in romantic relationships is right—long term partnership/marriage with cohabitation. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I know lots of people who are miserable in these kinds of relationships. Your relationship sounds healthy and lovely. Even though hers ended, the relationship with her ex that grew her a new heart is also a wild success story. A relationship doesn’t have to be forever for it to be a success story.
This is so true! One of my most treasured partnerships (we're still friends) only lasted romantically about 6 months.
I loved reading this, and wanted to add a little story about my mum’s cousin Eileen (she was 15 years older than my mum and sort of like a great wise aunt to me). She’d been married young and had a kid but the marriage didn’t work out (he was apparently awful). She became a successful businesswoman, bought her house and turned it into her own personal palace, and then she met the love of her life. The two of them lived in their own houses on the same road, never cohabited but remained happily together until he suddenly died when I was 10. I obviously don’t know much about their relationship but pretty sure it was a happy one and I love that I’ve always had this as a model of a different kind of successful relationship.
I love this story!
I'm so glad you shared this story! I got married when I was 30 but the traditional structure of monogamy didn't work for me and a few years ago, after having a child!, I gently approached the concept of polyamory with my husband. I feel more liberated in this nontraditional dynamic than I ever thought was possible. I appreciate your story because it shows that we can throw out the playbook and carve new paths, if we meet someone we care deeply about, who reciprocates our feelings — the right people will work collaboratively with you to design a relationship dynamic that lets everyone get their needs met. Polyamory isn't for everyone, and I believe monogamy can be so beautiful, but it has shown me new ways to love & be loved, new ways of forming deep connections. And it has put me in touch with parts of myself that I would have never explored otherwise.
I love this story! The myth that there's one way is the problem. There are as many ways as there are people. Relationships - relating - is deeply personal and I think evolving. One of my good friends also entered into polyamory in her marriage. Thank you!
Love this set up Laraine! My husband lives in a different country and honestly....shhhh....don't say this too loud or I'll get looks...but I LOVE it. Sure, I do all the child rearing and domestic stuff and I'm exhausted but life is actually so much easier. What does that say about 'normal' marriage? You're very right Joy to observe what happens to women when they enter into marriage. You've built a dream life and often, too often, it's the woman who has to dismantle it for her man. But the world is full of ways to love on your terms. Thanks for writing this.
I love this!! And I get it, lol. At a class I was teaching a while back I shared that my husband and I lived separately (& happily) and that ended up being the most important thing in my talk, apparently. Women just kept asking questions about it. So (I'm a teacher) I bring it up all the time when it's appropriate because I want folks to hear from someone they're in contact with that they can write their own story.
Yes! This! We are SO free to build relationships that feel satisfying to us. I love that you and your husband have built something that feels loving, secure, and respectful of each of your needs.
Thank you!
I loved reading this Laraine and it's so comforting for me as well as a 32 year old woman who has never had any desire to cohabitate from a partner and has felt like there's something "wrong" with me for feeling that way. Thank you so much for sharing this, your life sounds absolutely beautiful!
YES!!!
My partner and I have been together for 12 years. For the last two, my teen daughter (previous marriage) and I have been living in our airbnb apartment while he stays at our little house. We just sort of drifted into the arrangement as a way to have more space during 'the teenage years' and it's been the absolute best thing we've ever done. We still see eachother pretty much daily, but having our own spaces where we can be ourselves has been life-changing. We also split our finances and have an account where we contribute to shared expenses (car payments, daughter's care etc ). So now if he makes some impulsive purchase, it's like, who tf cares! Where before it would have been a big deal. When we originally came up with this arrangement, I felt a lot of weird societal pressure. Like somehow it meant our relationship was failing and spent a lot of time explaining and making excuses for the situation. We also talked like I would love back in with him once our daughter moved out and we'd turn the space back into an airbnb. We'll, she's in her final year of highschool and I can now say, I have no intention of that happening! Anyway, it's just so nice to hear someone living in a similar situation. ❤️❤️❤️
My dear mother-in-law often said that marriage hasn’t traditionally been a great deal for women. And boy is she right! She really raised my husband to be a wonderful man and partner, and for that I am grateful. We love each other but very much have our own interests and lives, and while I still feel like a ‘wife’ at times, all I have to do is speak up and he’s there to help. I have no smart advice except that I think there are good men, good people, out there. I think good hearts find each other. I’m sending you so much love and patience for your dating life.
All I can tell you is that a couple of years before I hit your age, I had the realization that I’d been dating, mostly unfulfillingly and unsuccessfully, for 20 years. All of my friends were coupled up, most raising families (there was a span of about 5 years where it felt like a baby shower or bridal shower was happening quarterly). I felt very much odd person out of almost every commonality we used to share.
As one cannot work harder or conjure up a partner out of nothing, I absolutely decided to stop. Stop dating. Stop chasing after something that always made me feel worse.
While there was a lot of sadness in it, there was also some peace. I imagined what an unpartnered life would look and feel like. I traveled on my own and with women led groups. I got more comfortable with the idea of a life of just me.
I did eventually return to dating a bit (lost a bet, actually). It wasn’t that different, but I did find I cared about the outcome less, so less soul-crushing. I ended up drifting into a relationship that works. It looks nothing as I’d imagined. But I haven’t had to change myself to be in it. And I hope that he feels the same.
On the train home, I wrote to my love… then I read your poem to hope…
There’s one thing that stuck with me and is somthing I try to hold as I go about my day.
I believe everyone is trying their best. I truly believe that. Even the people who do horrible things, in that moment they believe they are doing the right thing, the thing they need. In the mundane days, the happy days, the absent days, people are doing the best they know how to do. I did my best throughout the lowest parts, I know I did. I see that my best in those times could never be enough for my marriage. I know that is true. I know you are doing your best, I know the prime minister is, I know this train driver is. I feel that when I hold this perspective, I am kinder with the world. It doesn’t mean I have to put up with shitty behaviour or to tolerate abuse, but it does mean that I know that if someone’s best is not right for me, I don’t have to put up with it.
… it might sound harsh but I don’t mean it to be, what I mean is, you deserve to find what you need. You don’t need a professional juggler right now… I found I needed me. Men who feel worthless cannot be given worth, we need to arrive into it (I hope that makes sense)
I believe in love to, I really do x
I agree with this 100%. I also remember hearing a story from someone who learned a big AND... He had long held that is parents had done the absolute best they could with what they had... AND they had done a rotten fucking job. I think of this sometimes around my prior behaviour in relationship. And for someone in the future, I will be their stable relatively well adjusted and emotionally engaged man. And some of my exes will still consider me a waste of time on a carnival ride.
You're voicing my experience so exactly I don't know whether to be encouraged or disheartened. "It’s painful to have to thread the needle between my intense frustration with men, my desire to partner, and my deep compassion for the clear crisis men are obviously experiencing." Part of me was hoping you might offer some solution at the end, a love success story or some profound advice, but your endnote of cautious hope felt exactly right.
I think this is one of the best things you’ve ever written. I weep for all of us women, but I weep in hope.
I think about these things a lot. My examples of marriage were similar to yours, and I followed in their footsteps by getting married at 19 and doing my part to make things work (for 21 years!). I left because I wanted to belong to myself and I wanted to be in love. As Glennon Doyle says in Untamed, I wanted to be "held and free." I believe we're going through a massive shift in defining what partnership even is, and it's requiring us all to rise and expand into our fullest selves along the way. I love your reflection: "Every time I left a man I couldn’t marry, I evolved in the most glorious, unexpected way." Yes! Keep evolving! Keep becoming more and more glorious! Keep sending out that Love boomerang you write about; I'm cheering you on <3
As ever you hit the nail on the head. I don’t do monogamy. I date a bunch of guys. Between them, usually, they add up to 3/4s of a decent boyfriend. It’s a start.
Beautifully written. I don’t know much but here’s what I do know. And I personally think this applies to all the things: love and dating but also exploration, curiosity, new endeavors. Just everything. *Always have hope.* Even if the outcome you’re searching for doesn’t come by the time you take your last breath, to live a hopeful life is to live fully, to live honoring yourself. To surrender to hopelessness, that human experience is a painful one. Instead, surrender, but surrender to hope. Hope is just about the only thing that drives good things in this world.
Yes! I don’t ever want to be at a point in my life where I lose all hope. When I was still dating, as awful as some dates were, I tried to learn from them and move forward.
I'm glad you mentioned the discouraged bit. I have been on more than 100 first dates in the past two years, but have the privilege on the male side of the straight dating of never feeling in danger and generally women are better conversationalists than men (always ask questions, never outright rude). Similar to the hope for love keeping me going, I have also made a few wonderful friends which has taught me a different kind of love and openness to relationships. I would have really struggled or given up without them.
I think it’s easy to speak in generalities. As in, we’ve all dated some asshole men, so all men are assholes. However, I have some really great men in my life (brothers, friends, a partner) who are kind, supportive, respectful, and who consistently show they care (sometimes in big ways, but mostly in subtle and quiet ways like listening when I’m feeling down, buying me poetry books because they know I love them, cleaning my bathroom, without me asking, after a roommate moved out and left it a mess).
There are for sure asshole people out there. But maybe we have been fed the romance of distant, cool, unavailable men so many times that the highs and lows of an avoidant relationship feel like a love story! At least, that’s how it was for me.
It took a heart shattering break up for me to finally stop looking for love where I was never going to find it. Instead, I started giving men with kind eyes a chance. Now I’m three years into an ordinary and mundane love and it’s the happiest my tired heart has ever been.
Thanks for your words, Joy, they resonate deeply.
Especially this paragraph: “What makes marriage unattractive is that I don’t see many models of happy ones. Depressingly, I don’t often witness men truly improving women’s lives. I’m constantly filled with fear that loving a man might cost me the life I’ve built. Basically, I’m scared I’ll disappear.”
I often say that no man has made my life easier. They’ve been something I’ve had to survive. Having not grown up with an example of healthy love and having disappeared in a toxic relationship, the fear is real.
There’s an expression in French: mieux vaut être seule que mal accompagnée. It translates loosely to better to be alone than in poor company.
I too believe in love. Love that feels safe, that expands me, holds me, and lets me be free. I will not compromise for that love, nor will I allow it to consume me or drag me down again.
I’m a fan of unconventional love, and of separate homes. Where each has their own life and they intersect. I don’t think I’ll ever live with a man again and I’m okay with that. Though I do my best to keep an open mind and have hope.
I love that we are in community together Natalie, thanks for pointing me here as well. I hear a lot of men who are doing work write about how the "good men" pay the price of bad behavior of other men, as so many women live with the trauma of our societal disfunction. When I sit with it, I don't think there are really any "good guys." I think we are all messy in some ways, and it's sometimes gross, and it always hurts, and I'm SO sorry for the ways in which you have experienced harm at the hands of men. I love you my friend, and I'm here for your poems and your pain. I don't have answers here, just an ear and some arms and my own pen.
“What will be left of my heart?” is a question I don’t think I ask myself enough. 😔
All thoughts echoed, affirmed, and heard. Very much me too. The loneliness is BIG and there’s a lot of grief in what I thought my life would be based on the examples I saw growing up.
With you in this! Please keep sharing and writing about this.
Joy, this hits really hard on what it feels like to be single, mid-30s, and shyly (almost shamefully) romantic and hopeful but so wary about love. I don’t know if it’s coincidence but the author of the newsletter Girls just published a piece today about not giving up on love and it echoes your heart here. Makes me feel less lonely in the world. Thank you. 💕
Interesting and heartfelt read. Thank you for this. One question: What do you mean in the final paragraph when you say you are hoping for someone who will "be my daddy"?
Hi Cindy, that's just a callback to the intro. It's basically slang for "be a good lover." ;)
Ahhh, okay. I wasn't familiar with that term.
My husband and I just celebrated our 27th anniversary. In our early marriage, I did spend a lot of time as the primary caretaker and he spent a lot of time working and establishing himself in his career. Pretty traditional. We have had times in our marriage that were really hard, but right now the best thing in my life is our relationship. It’s hard work, and both people have to be equally committed to doing the hard work. I have seen my daughters’s marriage fall apart because he was a narcissist and tricked her into sacrificing everything, so I have seen some of the challenges out there. I have also seen peeks into marriages that look amazing on the outside, but have huge problems in reality. But not all men are assholes. My husband is my biggest supporter. I’m an artist (painting) and he’s always there at every art show, helping me set up and take down, and company when things are slow. He’s in therapy (finally) and when he’s bemoaning his problems his therapist reminds him his marriage is uncommonly good and we can’t always be blessed in everything. I don’t say this to flex on you, but just to add my 2 cents that it really is out there. I hope you find someone who complements your weird the way my husband complements mine. Much love. 💕